Damn the torpedoes - It's Australia Day

Woke up this morning and realized...

IT'S AUSTRALIA DAY

Now I realize how weird Canada Day must sound to non Canadians. Australia Day sounds like a holiday made up as an excuse to wear short shorts and eat hot dogs. BUT AUSTRALIANS DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO WEAR SHORT SHORTS.

And I don't need an excuse to eat hot dogs.

Short

Shorts

Short shorts

Everybody wears short shorts here. I'm not sure if it's because it's cool to dress like it's 1980 or whether it's still actually 1980 down here. Even some of the boys wear 'em. I would have taken pictures but I already felt like enough of a creep taking pictures of the women. This shindig went down at Esplanade Park in Fremantle during Australia Day festivities.

Australian babysitting.

Not only do they cut their shorts in half, they do the same with their cars.

As everybody knows, Australia was founded when a bunch of pirates smuggled all the weird animals out of a zoo and built their own island. With that in mind, we thought the most appropriate place to celebrate the day would be at the

Those brave, brave Soylent Green children.

No pirates. So sad that so many have lost touch with their rich animal smuggling heritage.

The museum  facing the E docks market.

Outside the museum by the harbor - not sure what that vessel carries. I'm guessing livestock by the covered structure.

This museum features an Oberon class submarine, the HMAS Ovens, which is open for tours given by a former crew member. Definitely the best part of the museum.

Oberons were powered by generators and batteries. This is a battery. There were around 400 of these on each submarine, each weighting a half ton I think. Not your average D cells.

TOPEDOES! ROPEDOES! PORTEDOS!

Big orange torpedo. If found...

it is of utmost importance you make sure you return it to *unintelligible*

The black tube is an acoustic mine. Contains an explosive charge that will be triggered by Nicki Minaj.

Torpedoes go orangey side out - each one costs $6 million so don't mess it up

Torpedo propellor cowling - when removed you can see the dual propellors which spin in opposite directions preventing unwanted torque

It's legal to go cowelless in Australia.

The back end of a pordedo

This Bilbo Baggins reject was the biggest knob. Showed up late. Smelled like booze. Waited till the tour guide turned his back and then grabbed the propellor cowling with both hands and tried to rip it off like he was going to take it home. I'm guessing that whatever misadventure caused his finger injuries it was probably his own fault.

Torpedo tube doors - open inwards

Torpedo tube door tracks.

If you whistled The Village People's "In The Navy" they would load you in the torpedo bay and this is the last thing you would see before you were fired.

Forward torpedo bays

The Ovens!

The large bulbous part on the top of the bow is the sonar

 

There actually was no poop on the deck. Not even bird poop. Australians call the tower in the middle the fin instead of the conn, as Americans do.

Going down was a pretty tight fit. We had to go through a torpedo loading bay because the real entrance on the conn was too narrow for Mr. Baggins.

Below deck, bow section

This is the environmental suit you'd wear if your ship was sinking. Unfortunately it took 10 minutes to put on and won't keep you alive at operating depths so... probably good for hiding your farts and not much else.

Torpedo tubes in situ

Through the hatch

Underwater! Also, smells like diesel.

Oval shaped hatch to make it easier to move stuff around but it's still a really tight fit.

These nozzles here carry supplemental oxygen. During times when the sub may get exploded/imploded, everyone carries masks with them that can hook up to these nozzles so they can breathe underwater. They're positioned so that you can disconnect and connect to the next one along the way you need to go.

Amy finding out you only "shower" once every 2 weeks in the sub. These bunks have seatbelts so you don't roll out during a swell.

That's John the tour guide. I think he was a petty officer. The panel to the right of his face is the personal space you share with another dude while in service. It's about the size of a small briefcase, so there's room for your whitey white sailor hat and not much else.

Going aft. The entire width of the boat is about what you'd expect form a cramped RV. I'm not claustrophobic but in the middle of the boat when it was getting hot I was ready to call it quits.

Hatch to the conn. Tiny.

Officer's quarters, complete with a state of the art VHS player.

Galley - food is supposed to good at sea, John says.

The garbage port. Or, GAHbage in Australian.

So many buttons... must... resist... pushing... (punching - Australian)

Red alert

Crappeur

Engine room

Amy comin' through

 The rest of the museum was kind of blah after that. But there were a few highlights.

 

Short hand Morse Code used at the Australian Research Base in Antarctica. YIKHE is my favourite.

Megamouth shark - only 50 have ever been found. None have been known to eat humans... yet.

Sheep. They looked like a carny prize but nobody looked happy when I started shooting everything with a rifle.

 

Perth's shopping district

Then we ended off the night watching fireworks from our balcony. Interesting sidenote - someone timed a bomb at an ATM in East Perth to coincide with the fireworks, stealing a crap load of cash that night. These pictures are my alibi.

Fremantle harbor

Prevailing winds kind of made everything streak to the right

 

It's blurry but I did it on purpose. Really.